my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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