cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
