I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
