It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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