i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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