guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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