So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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