My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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