Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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