I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
