so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
