Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
