Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
