I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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