OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize