and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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