the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
