i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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