Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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