Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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