Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
