Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
