I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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