dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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