weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you never un-have a 4some
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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