I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
