Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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