Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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