did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize