how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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