worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
