I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
