He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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