Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
