and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i believe in u and ur pee
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