mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
