I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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