I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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