He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
