3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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