Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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