1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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