I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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