Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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