I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
