I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
