Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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