I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
