is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this just has baby written all over it
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize