my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
