this beer tastes like vomit already
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
