Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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