I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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