Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
