Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
