at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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