CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
