Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
