Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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