There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize