I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
