Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
