come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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