census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
