I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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