but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
