If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
