Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
