i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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