Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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