So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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