what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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