i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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