I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
