and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
