I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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