Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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